May 28, 2012

Permanent

Over the past several years, I've experienced SO much change. My close friends and family members have always joked with me about when things would finally start to settle down with all of the adjustments I have been through since I started college. Those who are close to me have watched me move to Massachusetts to study theatre at a small Christian liberal arts college, join a touring children's theatre company, study abroad in Italy, go through a period of darkness with depression and a deep questioning of my faith after a traumatic event in my life, move into a time of understanding myself and the Lord better through a season of coming back into the light, head to New York City the day after college graduation, meet the love of my life, work a series of temporary jobs before finding a long-term position at a university back in Massachusetts, get engaged, get married, and find out just a month later that we would be expecting a baby. I have moved 7 times since graduation. I have had the chance to sing at jazz clubs, audition for national tours and off-broadway productions, plan a beautiful low-budget wedding, live with my best friends, and explore all of these changes through writing and acting. I have come to realize that I value education in the arts more than I value being in the spotlight as a performer. I have discovered what is important to me in a church family and in a deeper exploration of faith. I have learned what it means to love and be loved unconditionally.

I have loved over the past several years writing from various coffee shops of whatever location I'm living in, or from the train on my morning commute or in my travels. In the top of each new journal entry, I've made a consistent habit of putting the date in the upper left hand corner, followed by my current location in the upper right hand corner. Whenever my location could not be pinpointed, I would write 'In Transit.' My husband recently asked me (without knowing about this tradition) why I ALWAYS write 'In Transit' when I journal. I realized that the constant change of where I am in life has had a very nomadic feel, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. I am reminded constantly that God never gives us more, in temptation or trial, than He knows we can handle. When I look at everywhere He has led me and all of the changes He has brought into my life, I am confident that there has been purpose to every step of the journey. Everything I have experienced over the past several years has deepened my faith, enabled me to meet my husband, and now prepared me for the role of being a mother (which is something I never could have seen for myself just two years ago)!

This morning I found myself sitting in my favorite place in the house (the corner of the wrap-around porch facing the old farmhouse that my husband's grandmother lives in), drinking coffee, and eating fresh fruit and a danish. As I opened my journal to write this morning, I surprised myself by writing today's date and our location in Virginia, rather than the 'In Transit' of so many mornings in the past couple of years. There is a permanency to this place that we find ourselves in life right now. I'm getting a Virginia license this week and becoming an official state resident-- something I've always been hesitant to do through all of my travels and changes of years past. I picture my little boy being able to run around in the fields of this farm or down by the stream and imagine and play. I have needed this quiet and stillness so desperately, even though it feels odd and like I should be doing something or getting ready for another change. Granted, we have a big one coming very shortly (hey little guy!), but we are here for an indefinite amount of time and we are finally settling into that reality. Though I know I shouldn't get used to anything being permanent in this life, as my track record has proven that the unexpected can occur at any moment, I am sincerely thankful to discover what it means to truly be still and rest for now.

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